Compliments, Excepted

As I made my way to an aisle seat for my synagogue’s services, I noticed how my suit jacket hung so far from upper thigh. How I had to keep tugging at my belt to keep the pants from becoming low riders. Hmm, I thought, need to get this taken in. My normal anxiety of …

My Mother, The Refrigerator

Hmm… 10pm… time for my midnight snack. What to eat? Cold chicken? Leftover spaghetti? A quick index finger through the peanut butter? “Blueberries.” “Or better yet… just a glass of water. You’re on a diet… at least, you were on a diet.” This had better be a dream because my mother’s voice seems to be …

Seder in the Suburbs

As we finished the last chorus of “Dayenu,” my wife leaned in, whispering ever so sweetly in my ear. “Check the salmon. I’m ready to serve the soup.” We had decided to grill salmon for this first night of Passover. First, it was healthier than brisket. Second, the motley group sitting at our dining room …

The Spin Cycle

An innocuous email. A simple request. What could be so bad? “Looking to burn off those latkes from Chanukah? Join us and other fellow congregants for an afternoon of spinning.” My mind began to turn. The idea intriguing. I mean, I did consume bushels of potatoes over the holidays. Why not bite? So, with mind …

What does Fox Say?

Chugging along on the elliptical, seeming to go nowhere yet moving as fast as I could, I didn’t hear the familiar voice calling my name. “What’s going on? You look like you’ve dropped some pounds.” “Yep. Trying to get to the gym every day. Not always so easy. Work is crazy. Kids’ practices drive me …

The Butcher. The Baker. The Custom Cabinetmaker.

“Do you want to go over and see Elise and Rob’s new outdoor kitchen?” “What’s an outdoor kitchen?” “They built a full kitchen next to their patio. Top-of-the-line everything. So they can cook outside all summer long. And it has a built-in spit. They can roast a whole pig!” “Why would they want to do …

Talk of the Town

“You won’t believe the story I’m about to tell you!” Out to dinner with another couple, we listened rapt as our friend shared her news. “Our daughter’s good friend’s father is going to jail for tax fraud. I feel so bad for his wife and kids even though he’s guilty. We just found out last …

Help! Wanted for the Want Ads

Back in the days when print media ruled the suburban sprawl of America, The New York Times reigned supreme. From the crack of dawn, from one driveway to the next, you could find the newspaper waiting patiently for tasseled or slippered feet to arrive. Scooping the paper into their hands, subscribers would devour it from …

Oh, Deer. Bambi and the things that get bumpers in the night

Last night, a deer hit me. Or should I say, I got in a deer’s way. As I left my regular Tuesday-night tennis game (where four aging men still believe Wimbledon is a possibility), I descended leisurely down the dark country road towards home. As I listened to the mellow sounds of Sirius XM, trying …

Climb Every Mountain: Propositions and Pick-up Lines on the Suburban Party Circuit

As I walked across the room on a cool spring night, I looked at the action in progress. Scores of teenagers flew by me, clad in oversized sparkly glasses, hats and colorful socks. They sprinted from photo booths to the kid’s lounge, depositing their goods procured from hyped up, jacked-up DJ dancers hired to tantalize …